Monday, June 14, 2010

Brand New Tease

This is something brand new. I have no idea whether I even like it or not, but these are the opening pages. I've rewritten it about twelve times, because I'm never satisfied, and I have to do something while I wait for beta comments on band geeks.

13 comments:

Sage said...

Wow, intense opening scene.

My only suggestion is to watch out for using "shooting" ("shooting Hurley apologetic eyes") in an unrelated way in the same paragraph about guns and hunting

Kaitlin Ward said...

Crazy intense! I liked it a lot. I mean, that opening...whoa.

Karla Nellenbach said...

See? People like this! The beginning is great...just keep plowing through and it'll work itself out! I know, I know! I still need to get three back to you and I need to get bandgeeks back...I brought the file to work and will be slogging my way through :)

PS my word is snabl...sounds fun and kinda dirty ;)

Phoebe said...

Whoa, intense! I like it. Only problem for me is that the name "Hurley" will always mean LOST to me, now.

I have to do something while I wait for beta comments on band geeks.

We're workin on it! Hold your horses! ;)

Becca Rogers said...

This is really good, IMO. And what's this about ghost hunting? *sits up* I love ghosts!! :D

Horserider said...

Wow, intense! I LOVE it! Normally I won't read teasers this long, but once I got started there was no way I could stop =D You have to keep writing. Just push on through and everything will fall into place! Any issues can always be fixed in revisions.

Ellen said...

I LOVE this scene. Super intense, you just can't stop reading :D
One question I had, around this line: "“It's okay, kid,” he said, even though Charlie hated that. She was twenty-years-old damn it, she wasn't some little brat." I wasn't sure who's head we were inside anymore. I thought we were getting the scene from Hurley's POV, but I wasn't sure if they switched (since just before that it said "so innately Dad that it made Charlie's chest ache" <-- and that's an internal view of Charlie's). That's the only point that confused me though! Just wasn't sure which one of them was 12.
Pleeease keep writing this though! I wants to read mooore. I love the screwed-up relationship with their dad too, seems realistic.

Kate Hart said...

I was confused by the seeming switch in POV, but you do a great job of making things feel immediate and real. Exciting snip!

Karla Calalang said...

This was so intense. I want more! Awesome tease!

Bri said...

Dude, not to echo everyone else, but this is so intense and intriguing! You have me hooked :)

Glen Akin said...

A great start, really. Was a bit knocked off by your choice of third person omni (switching POVs between characters), cos I guess I miss your first person POV's, but this is really good. It's got a Supernatural vibe, but with chicks! Damn!

J.S. Wood said...

This is a great beginning! Intense and leaves a lot of questions. The pov is interesting to me, I really thought it was first and had to read several times to see who the narrator was.

Ellen said...

P.S. - this was so good, I gave you a blog award :D